I haven't been bloggibg much lately. It's a busy doctor month again. 5 appointments this week in 4 days and that's including a full day at Oncology with infusions. My brain spins, but I think I need it to keep spinning, I'm scared when it is still there may be too many thoughts of the future. Don't take that out of context thinking I'm a deeply depressed or dramatic being, because I'm not, I'm a realist. I've heard what they continue to tell me and there's not much positive wrapped around. Every once in a while a new young specialist gets excited and put on my case, they are like a hyper puppy all willing to try new things, then a few appointments in they see I respond to nothing and it's too late, just like the others have said.
Today I has a real live pin cusion (don't worry I don't feel this pain, it makes nurses shake) I keep urging them to calm down and try again rather than get another nurse to try and make me become a spectial, always a big deal over little issues! Finally my IV was placed. It's not bad vains, thankfully I've had PICC lines so much of being sick it's saved my arms, it's my skin. My skin is hardening, the Sclaraderma is worsening. It's hard to penetrate my skin with a needle. I didn't know it would move this fast. Results came back, just as I'd expected and had been trying to communicate for I'm not sure how long to doctors, my esophageal manometry test 100/100 swallows were incomplete. The soft tissue surrounding my esophagus is hardened and shrunk limiting my ability to swallow. In a few hours I'll be expected to get out of bed and off to Fargo to Endoscopy center for the Anorectal Manometry text (the other end). See if Sclaraderma is the reason behind loosing function to use the facilities as an adult, even though AGAIN NO cure, NO treatment we have to know what causes what.
Winter is hard on everyone but winter is really hard on the old and sick. The only outdoor air we get is going to DOCTOR appointments because that's our life, gotta save our strength for those days. Damn I wish it was 6 winters ago and I was shoveling snow with an achy back, complaining about walking 4 blocks to work in below 0 weather cause I was too bull headed to start the car. It's things like that you NEVER think you would wish for again. It's things like that I miss, that was life......right now I miss laying flat in a bed at 3am sleeping. There's too much backing up from my stomach these days to lay down and too many thoughts that keep me from slumber